NAMSTA: The story behind the stories

Written on 17th May 2020, come and get reacquainted with me, Namsta The Author by checking out the first post I've published in like FOREVER!

2020. The year notorious for flipping our lives as we know it upside down, is turning out to be one of reflection and reset for many I imagine. One thing is for sure. The world will most certainly need cheering up once we’ve gotten through the worst of this devastating COVID-19 pandemic. I might just have the thing :-)

It’s been a hot minute (around five years if memory serves me right) since I’ve written a blog post much less published one. Keeping it realer than real though (as I do), one of the reasons I stopped publishing blog posts was because I thought what I had to say was boring. After all, who cares if I worked two jobs while studying at university and wrote my first fiction series, ‘The Urban Tales of Mz. Bumper Queen’ at the same time. Honestly, I didn’t believe my backstory was anywhere near as interesting as that of my character, Marcia Burton and her friends. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m a private person (some might say ‘mysterious’, while others ‘secretive’ but hey-ho) by nature. Nevertheless, during this period of (deeeep) reflection, I’ve since realised this notion about my personal journey being a yawn fest couldn’t be further from the truth.

Namsta: That cheeky ting from Barking

For anyone who read my infamous ‘City Gurl in a Rural World – Jamrock style’ blog series back in 2011, will know that life for me began on a council estate in East London. Alright, alright. If we're going to get technical with the postcodes and all that jazz, I’m an Essex bird really.

One term I’ve recently discovered which I believe sums me up in a nutshell is ‘imposter syndrome’. While being the first in my single-parent household to get my driving licence as well as the first out of my cousins to go university is something I should be proud of, I often felt like a fraud. Rather than bask in my ambition for wanting more out of this life, I often attributed my successes to sheer luck rather than as a result of my passion, hard work and resilience.

As seen in this sweet childhood photo, I’ve always been a bit of a cheeky git. Even as a nipper, if someone told me I couldn’t do something, it was often met with a rebellious “we’ll see about that mate” type response (and yep, the middle finger from time-to-time). I have my parents to thank for that. While there were times growing up the parental relations in my life were painfully fraught (that’s one way to put it), it was both Ma and Poopa who often reminded me that I could do anything I put my mind to. For that encouragement alone, I’m eternally grateful to my folks *big heart emoji*.

So, as a 1st/2nd generation British West Indian with a 15+ year corporate career and a life-long love of fiction writing, how did I let imposter syndrome plague my life and intermittently block me from reaching my full potential??? Honestly speaking... I put it down to low self-esteem and a super severe lack of confidence.

Dependent on how well you know me personally, at what point over the years you met me and in which capacity, the lack of confidence part might have been glaringly obvious to you.

However, my low self-esteem not so much. To the outside world, I was just the bubbly, happy-go-lucky plus sized chick with a bright smile.

It is often said that a picture says a thousand words. With that in mind, the left-hand photo is a 19-year-old me out on the town with the girls. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, I had just started working in the city of London for an international law firm that year. The right-hand photo is an (84 pounds heavier) 25-year-old me ready for a night out on the town to celebrate my birthday. Without going into the finer details on this occasion, I turned to comfort eating as a coping mechanism for the various trials and tribulations taking place in my life at that time. Within the space of five years I had gone from being a trim, lively ball of energy who practically lived in her local gym to my beloved gym membership card gathering dust and in favour of the cream cake aisle in Tesco. Unbeknown to me, my emotional eating was wreaking havoc with my self-esteem which as you might imagine, has had some catastrophic consequences.

While at the tender age of 36 I am not as heavy today as I was in the right-hand photo, I’m still a lardy chick. As the saying goes, you are what you eat. Therefore, I would be telling big fat porkies (oooh the irony 😊) if I say that I’ve finally overthrown my emotional eating demons. However, I am proud to announce that I am very much work in progress.

Lets not beat around the bush though. If the recent COVID-19 news updates are anything to go by, being of an ethnic minority AND obese is a big HELLL NOOOO! While it shouldn’t take a potentially fatal viral pandemic for me to address my unnecessary excess padding, it certainly puts a lot of things into perspective.

Namsta: Looking forward

So, the plan is for me to give you a ‘behind the scenes’ look at my journey as I power up The Urban Tales of Mz. Bumper Queen re-brand. None of which can I add, would be possible without the continuous support I’ve had over the years especially from the MzBQ team. There are no words to describe just how grateful I am to these beautiful ladies *big heart emoji*.

Until next time, stay safe and stay blessed.