KEEPING UP APPEARANCES: Bringing your true self to the world’s table!

Namsta The Author
Nov 13, 2020
9 min read

Updated: Jan 5

In today’s digitally connected world, sharing the best (and-not-so-best) bits of our personal lives on social media platforms has never held so much significance.

Lets not beat around the bush. While some of us are more open than others, what filter garnished insights we choose to share on sites such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc. might at times be worlds apart from our actual day-to-day realities.

Whether it's photos from #TheMostEpicHolidayEver to those subtle, indirect posts aimed at the pee-pee taking boss who appears to have attended the Douche Ball’s Academy for Leadership, that wafer-thin line between the private and public domain is forever blurring.

As you can probably tell by my delightful photo above, I prefer to keep my social media presence to a bare minimum. After all, I don’t think peeps are quite ready to meet my 1980’s jheri-curled alter ago, Mashonda LaBelle! #YesMaam.

It’s hardly rocket science but whether it’s online, offline, in the workplace or hanging with our loved ones - who we are authentically and how we show up in the world, can at times (even if unconsciously) be influenced by our backgrounds. In other words, our upbringing can dictate how we view life and engage with those around us.

15 or so years deep in all things PR, marketing, branding, and well, people engagement related, this notion still intrigues me no end! Saddle up as we mosey on through how our childhoods can inevitably make us or break us…

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW: There‘s reference to child abuse within this post.

Namsta on Purpose!

Ah mate, I can’t lie! I was bawling sooo much I could just about read the lovely messages in my leaving card from the contracted role I had finished back in the summer. Not only did I thoroughly enjoy working with such an amazing group of people, I appreciated the fact that I was encouraged to just be 100% myself and in doing so, I was able to add strategic value to the way we worked together as an organisation while delivering impressive business results.

I’m a typical millennial in the sense that when it comes to my career path, I’m driven by purpose. For me, one aspect of my purpose looks like helping organisations to deliver positive employee experiences which for the most part, can only be achieved through the right values and behaviours. With that said, behaviours are a crucial factor when comes to humanising the way we communicate and engage with each other both in and outside of the workplace.

As mentioned in my first post, I allowed a lack of confidence and bouts of Imposter Syndrome to plague my career progression over the years. Call it growth, but from the East End (alright, alright Essex!) girl who was raised in a single parent home on an council housing estate, to having opportunities to bring my communications expertise to various UK based and international organisations; has taught me the importance of following your passion even when the proverbial road gets tough.

Channelling my inner Alicia Keys and belting out an old school slow jam at the top of my lungs in front of the mirror (much to the annoyance of my neighbours I’m sure :-)) is probably about as far as I'd go when it comes to public performances. Tell a lie. Back in the pre-COVID 19 days I was partial to the odd karaoke session with the girlies.

Being a private person and having an ever so slight aversion to the public limelight, working behind the scenes is definitely my thang-a-lang. In celebration of this year’s Black History Month however, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and joined forces with a fellow Black British colleague (who is of Ghanaian descent) to give a presentation to our team members on why our cultures are a vital part of our identities. As I’m insanely patriotic about my Caribbean heritage (#YehMon!), I really enjoyed this experience. Going by the surge of questions and the positive feedback we received afterwards, our team-mates did too.

Sharing candid anecdotes about growing up as a Black British person of dual Caribbean heritage was great fun. I let it be known that while Bob Marley is the official crowned King of Reggae (RIP), Dennis Brown (RIP) will FOREVER be my King of Reggae….#Okurrrt!

Research: Inspiration comes from all around…

For me, specialising in the communications field goes hand-in-hand with my love of fiction writing. The reason for this is simple…. It’s all about storytelling.

As per the screenshot of the 2013 ‘The Urban Tales of Mz. Bumper Queen’ fiction series mention in popular UK woman of colour magazine Pride, making sure the characters are relatable has always been important to me. It’s not just about drawing on my own experiences and that of the people around me when writing stories. To ensure the story my character is telling is authentic, I dust off my journalistic swag (Hashtag 'cool face' emoji) and get to researching anything where more context is needed. This was the same approach I used when I wrote my character Shauna Bogle’s story, ‘ Kidz Play’.

In Shauna’s story I was keen to reflect this shy, twenty-something primary school teacher’s experience of growing up in a British Caribbean family.

When it comes to our upbringing and the associated events that shape who we are and how we project ourselves to others, the family (or the closest thing we have to it) is usually at the core of those experiences. After all, as a child it’s the first place we learn lessons about forming relationships with others.

Part of my research for Shauna’s story involved delving into the Windrush era’s legacy within the British Caribbean community.

The Windrush scandal, which broke in April 2018, saw the UK government apologise for the deportation threats made to Commonwealth citizens’ children. According to BBC news, despite living and working in the UK for decades many were told they were here illegally because of the lack of official paperwork. Although reports and compensation schemes have made since this inquiry, many believe not enough has been done.

Windrush Scandal inside the home: Spare the rod and spoil the child?

If you grew up in a British Caribbean household anywhere from the late 1940s onwards, you may have had a sign to this effect in your home.

It’s well documented that numerous West Indians from the Windrush era endured a lot of racism, prejudice, and abuse when they first settled in the UK. Despite the introduction of ‘The Race Relations Act of 1965’ many found it difficult to even find decent housing when they arrived, so initially ended up in run down, overcrowded properties with other West Indian immigrants.

A topic which appears to be a harrowing taboo within the British Caribbean community is the alarming levels of abuse that took place inside some West Indian households following their arrival in the UK.

Back in 2007, I sat in on my idol (the super talented legend that is…) Angie LeMar’s talk show on Choice FM radio. The call-in topic for this particular Saturday, was about the experiences of first-generation British West Indians growing up with their families during the 1960s and 70s.

There was an influx of callers from my parents’ generation sharing their distressing experiences about the mental, emotional and physical abuse they had suffered at the hands of their adult caregivers. Some of the Caribbean born callers who had immigrated to the UK to join their families, likened their experiences to that of being a house servant. A few of them went on to talk about how their British born siblings were often treated like royalty compared to them.

We can’t pretend that it's not commonplace within Caribbean culture to discipline a child with a smack or even a belt, if they are misbehaving. Going by the individuals who called into the talk show, the ‘spare the rod’ concept was being taken to another level throughout their childhood. Although there are various reasons for why this inexcusable abuse was happening, it has often been said that the caregivers were taking their frustrations about the outside racism and systemic prejudice they were facing out on the minors in their homes.

"My Dad had his own stuff he needed to deal with..." Mark Prince.

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/9d8954_b82ba649d646416a9a175cae6d3648f0/720p/mp4/file.mp4

Check out this interview excerpt with Mark Prince - father of murdered

15-year-old footballing talent, Kiyan Prince.

(Extract from the James English podcast).

As discussed in my ‘Caribbean Men’s Lives Matter?’ post, it would seem the trauma from slavery days was very much alive and kicking in the Windrush era. The leather belt (or any pain inducing instrument for that matter) moved from being a symbol of punishment to a weapon of control and mass destruction.

The Deebles...

In 2009 BBC2 aired a documentary titled ‘We are Family: The Deebles’ which followed a family of two sisters and three brothers who were born in Wales to Jamaican immigrant parents during the 1960s. Tragedy struck when their mother passed away leaving their father as the sole carer of five children.

Unable to cope alone, Mr Deeble was forced to take drastic action. He had a photograph taken of his young family in their Sunday best and sent it home to Jamaica with the objective of attracting a surrogate mother for his children. Months later, Aunt Nomi arrived and eventually became the woman responsible for making the Deeble children’s early lives a complete misery.

Aunt Nomi frequently beat her stepchildren with a range of belts and to such an extent that Selina, one of the Deeble sisters had to go to hospital for stitches in her leg as a belt buckle had ripped her skin.

Top image - The Deeble family.

Bottom image - A screenshot taken of when Selina (left) visited Jamaica to confront her stepmother Nomi about the childhood beatings.

When asked why she did it, Nomi responded, "Our parents smacked us. I don’t believe a child can grow up without smacking. I can’t apologise for that.”

Selina recalled her and her siblings being petrified to tell anyone about Aunt Nomi’s relentless beatings in the fear that nobody would believe them. She also added that when they were old enough to leave home, they did so while carrying the guilt and shame of their stepmother’s abuse with them.

As witnessed in this moving documentary, the psychological implications formed because of this type of trauma has the damaging ability to trickle down from one family’s generation to another.

Nature vs. Nuture: Products of our environments?

As part of the research for Shauna’s storyline, I examined the different types of West Indian families who had arrived in the UK during the Windrush era (1948 – 1971). Every family dynamic on this earth as we know, is as unique as our fingerprints. However, I found there seemed to be two types of family more prevalent than others from the Windrush era.

Family A – The type of family who could be somewhat compared to popular British sitcoms, ‘The Fosters’ and ‘The Desmond’s’.

Family B – The less publicised family dynamic like the Deebles, where mental, emotional and physical abuse regularly occurred in the confines of their home.

Sticks and stones…

One of my key findings was that the way in which the first-generation British West Indians were raised in Family A, means the foundation for open and honest dialogue with each other as adults is far easier than it would be for Family B.

Lets not get all kumbaya about it though. While your family dynamic might just put the likes of the Brady Bunch to shame, there are certain relatives who for the love all things sane, will always work your last bleeping nerve!

One thing about both family types though, is that the mutual love for one another is evident even if articulated in different ways.

However, for the families with a dynamic like Family B; usually built on a childhood of unaddressed tragedy and unresolved trauma could be ticking time bombs of frustration waiting to explode. As that saying goes…. Hurt people hurt people! These types of families are also prime examples of why it's crucial the affected adult(s) take responsibility for healing their childhood trauma even if what happened to them wasn’t their fault. Being hardwired to deflect, ignore or quite simply keep sweeping the trauma under the carpet, just means the toxic cycle continues and eventually manifests itself in the next generation.

Bearing all that in mind, it’s hardly surprising that according to the Mental Health Foundation, the risk of psychosis within the Black Caribbean community is estimated to be nearly seven times higher than in other groups. Addressing mental health can often be seen as an off limits subject. The ‘shame and hush’ type culture often associated with the British Caribbean community means that services like counselling therapy are usually stigmatised and shunned.

What I enjoyed most about writing ‘Kidz Play’ was exploring the deeper impact of Caribbean culture on British born West Indians beyond the historic love of cricket, vibrant parties, those waistline winding tunes; and the diverse range of mouth watering foods it's famed for. If you didn’t get a chance to read ‘Kidz Play’ the first time around…#WatchThisSpace!