NAMSTA: Finding my voice

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Howdy, I hope all is good your side *big heart emoji*.

Can you believe it's Q2 of 2021 already indeed, time really is flying!

So, the reason I started this blog site was to document the key milestones while rebranding the ‘The Urban Tales of Mz. Bumper Queen’ (aka #MzBQ) fiction series. #MzBQ has been a massive part of my life since 2006 and through the rain, sun, or shine, working on it has always put the biggest smile on my face.

With life being stranger than fiction itself at times, using this platform allows me to give behind-the-scenes snapshots into my own journey. In the spirit of finding my voice (preferably NOT during a karaoke session!), I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone to chat about a topic which is close to my heart but yet is often deemed a social taboo. Mental health…..Let’s go yo!

MENTAL HEALTH: TAKING THE POSITIVE WITH THE NEGATIVE

Aside from COVID-19 sending the world as we knew it into an unexpected frenzy last year, some personal circumstances in which I thought I had managed to distance myself from, resurfaced without any warning. As a result of this surprise, it felt like my mental wellbeing was being challenged in ways I was struggling to comprehend if I’m being honest. While I can’t divulge the finer details of the circumstances in question, going to therapy was one of the few options I felt I had left to make sense of it all.

In a nod towards Mental Health Awareness month, I want to share what I’ve recently learned about my own mental health following my time in therapy. I kid you not. My mind was literally blown (no pun intended) when I discovered the context behind the behaviourial patterns I’d been displaying throughout my life without realising.

HEY SHORTY WITH THE LONG TEXT……

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t renowned for having the subhuman ability to type dissertation length messages and emails within the blink of an eye much to the recipients’ amazement or annoyance. Even with having the pee-pee taken out of me and on occasion being cussed off for it, I used to put my sheer effortlessness of being able to send a zillion paragraphed message down to it just being a typical writer’s characteristic.

While these days a swift voice note is my preferred communication channel, unpacking the origins of my notorious essay style messages as opposed to picking up a phone and speaking with the individual, felt like a massive epiphany. Not only did my therapist work with me to trace this habit back to behaviours I myself had witnessed as a child, but I had unconsciously developed a pattern of writing down any difficult emotions I was experiencing as it felt safer to do so than verbally speaking up.

As highlighted in both my ‘Caribbean Men’s Lives Matter?’ and

‘Keeping up Appearances’ posts, sweeping emotions and the situations which cause them under the proverbial carpet is considered a cultural norm within the British Caribbean community. A cultural norm which is said to have stemmed from slavery days and continues to perpetuate silence if not victim-shaming over 150 years later.

Given the psychological impact COVID-19 is having on peeps around the world, I think it’s fair to say that suppressing emotions (especially negative ones) as a heralded act of resilience probably isn’t cutting the mustard the way it did in previous generations.

Moving from a long-standing habit of articulating my feelings in supersized messages to feeling comfortable enough to use my mouth instead is certainly work in progress. To say the least, getting to the source of why I was doing this (even if the answer stunned the bejeezus out of me) has been a blessing. Without doing this work with my therapist, I feel I would have continued to repeat this pattern I wasn’t consciously aware of (if that makes sense?).

However, I say all of that to say this though….If you too should struggle with verbally expressing your feelings or circumstances to a loved one but need to get something off your chest, write it down in the first instance if that's easier for you. My thing is this…. Compassion and empathy is a MUST when it comes to understanding other folks’ preferred ways of communicating. After all, we’re not all cut from the same cloth. If the recipient genuinely cares about you and what you have to say, they will not only read what you have written but this message can act as the foundation for having a follow-up phone maybe video call or better still, a face-to-face conversation. Having seen firsthand the tragic impact of keeping things bottled up, I sincerely believe it’s better out than in even if it is initially articulated in the form of a long message (or a voice note if that’s your preference).

PRIVATE NAMSTA: THE SECRET SOLDIER?

As explored in the book called ‘The Body Keeps The Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma’ by Bessel Van Der Kolk, if we humans don’t process and filter our emotions properly following traumatic events in our lives, the event(s) can push our nervous system outside its ability to regulate itself. Consequently, we will operate in a trauma responsive way (i.e., fight, flight, freeze or fawn).

For me, this showed up as the below behaviours if not coping mechanisms – all of which I was shocked to learn via therapy, were being triggered by the circumstances in question:

· Functioning in a state of hyper-vigilance i.e., constantly scanning for the next danger

· Keeping my truth, people-pleasing / ‘dancing to other’s beats’ to keep the peace

· Struggling to set and keep boundaries

· Feeling stuck, detached/depressed – inability to stay in the present

· Angry ‘pressure cooker’ type outbursts

· Flashbacks/intrusive thoughts

· Dizziness, excessive anxiety, fear, or panic

· Disrupted sleeping patterns

· Pounding headaches and muscle tensions

· Altered and emotional eating patterns

Throw entertaining emotionally unavailable men (well just the one…#WTHWasIThinkingCRINNNGE!) into the mix for good measure, operating in these reoccurring chaotic and highly stressful environments was my normality. My blissful ignorance eventually began to fade when it became harder for me to overlook the inevitable emotional exhaustion and burnout. It’s no surprise I was oblivious to the fact I was living in survival mode but looking back, it makes sense as to why mentally I felt trapped and the circumstances in question inescapable at times.

GOOD MENTAL HEALTH = INVALUABLE MENTAL WEALTH

What I've said may come as a bit of a surprise to folks who know me in the acquaintance or colleague capacity. After all, my career in a nutshell is about making a positive difference to my colleagues’ working lives - something I take much pride in and am deeply passionate about. During my time in therapy, I’ve learned that I wasn’t necessarily extending this same compassion to myself away from the workplace.

Breaking habits (well, toxic and dysfunctional patterns) of a lifetime isn’t a straightforward activity by any stretch of the imagination either. That said, I understand that for me to heal I need to sit with my emotions rather than trying to block them (something I had evidently become accustomed to doing). Knowing I have an amazing support network I can turn to if I’m finding the rewiring process a bit much, is so comforting and deeply appreciated.

As you can probably imagine, it wasn’t easy writing this post. Vulnerability isn’t one of my strongest qualities. Although I’m a private person and this milestone is very much personal to me, it will no doubt contribute towards the evolution of the #MzBQ fiction series. While stranger things have happened, it’s unlikely you’ll find me airing out my dirty laundry in public for clout. Unnecessary, attention seeking drama is just not my thang-a-lang mate *recoils in shuddering horror*.

If using my platform to speak candidly about managing mental health encourages other peeps to get comfortable with this uncomfortable but potentially lifesaving saving topic, it’s well worth it!

On that note, I want to say a huge cheers for taking the time to read this post. If you have any feedback or comments, I’d love to hear from you so please feel free share your thoughts below.

Stay blessed and stay safe,

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